Gosh, another Valentine’s Day. Another Love Day.
And I’ve been so busy writing posts for Psychologies’ magazine (on Finding the Courage to Fall in Love and on How to Find Someone to Love) and promoting my upcoming retreats (Dorset this Friday – two spaces left! – followed by Spain in May and Turkey in October), that I’ve neglected to post anything here.
And now I’m wondering if I’ve run out of words.
If it does turn out that I’ve run out of words, you could always read this post from January 2016: Love Is …
I feel quite moved looking back at that post. I wrote it three years ago and it begins with me just about managing to write the word ‘partner’ rather than ‘boyfriend’, which felt like a big deal back then. And now I’m a fiancée with a fiancé and, on June 29th, I’ll become a wife with a husband. Wow.
If you’ve followed my blog for a while now, you’ll understand why I say Wow. It really has been a miraculous journey. I’d begun to think that I’d never make a relationship work or walk down an aisle (our aisle will be made out of hay bales but it’ll still be an aisle).
And here I am, a few months off my wedding.
Suffice it to say that transformation is possible and, I believe, available to all of us. Whether we want to transform our careers, our lives, our existing relationships or our relationship status, we can do so if we commit ourselves to the process.
I’ve been relentless on my journey of transformation and self-discovery and it doesn’t stop here. I’ve committed myself to this journey more than I’ve ever committed myself to anything else. It’s been tough. There have been buckets of tears. The tears still flow. But I don’t give up. I keep walking on through. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep peeling off the layers of the onion.
I still have so much work to do. Some of my biggest challenges today are around perfectionism, procrastination and indecision. I’ve struggled with these things for years but perhaps only now am I understanding why.
Perfectionism is a tool I use to manage shame and anxiety. Perfectionism, procrastination and indecision create stress, pressure and chaos in my life, keeping me adrenalinised, on edge and on high alert.
I know these states well. I grew up with them. They’re familiar to me and hence they feel safe. You could say I’m addicted to adrenaline and to the sensation of being in crisis or chaos. Like any other addiction (such as alcohol or food), the adrenaline and that sense of impending disaster take me away from myself. They distract me from my real feelings.
Perfectionism, procrastination and indecision plagued my romantic life for years. I was always looking for someone better and I found it impossible to decide on one person. When I did make a choice, I’d second guess it. I’d doubt myself. I’d put off making choices and stay in relationships well beyond their sell-by date or I’d put off entering into a new one.
Perfectionism, procrastination and indecision. They are thieves of time. Thieves of energy. Thieves of joy.
I am working on overcoming them. As ever, I’m a work in progress. As ever, I need your support.
Do you struggle with perfectionism, procrastination and indecision? Can you relate to creating stress, anxiety, chaos and crisis in your life by not making a choice, putting things off until the last minute or always thinking there’s something better out there?
This could be in work, in relationships or elsewhere.
If so, let me know. Tell me I’m not alone. Just as this blog hopefully reassures you that you’re not alone.
So that’s it. I found some words. They came out of nowhere. They’re not particularly related to Valentine’s – or maybe they are. Because Valentine’s is all about love, and love starts with the self.
When I don’t make decisions, when I get stuck in perfectionism and procrastination, I am not being loving towards myself. I am harming myself. I am robbing myself of peace, serenity, freedom and joy. I’m preventing myself from moving forwards towards my dreams.
I’m so pleased that I managed to overcome my indecision and that I chose my wonderful partner. I’m so pleased that I overcame my perfectionism and stopped scouring the streets and internet dating sites for someone I deemed to be better or more suitable. I’m so pleased I’m getting married this June.
Now I deserve to do the same in other areas of my life. I deserve to set myself free from indecision and self-doubt, from procrastination and perfectionism.
That would be a really loving thing to do.
How about you? How can you love yourself today and going forwards?
Happy Love Day! x
I’ll be leading a free live workshop on Psychologies magazine Facebook page on Valentine’s Day at 1 pm: How to find someone to love. You can also watch the video on catch-up on Psychologies Facebook page afterwards.
If you’d like to join my free 14-Day Find Love Challenge that starts February 15th, please sign up to my mailing list at www.howtofallinlove.co.uk or comment on this post with a simple ‘Yes please’ and I’ll add your email to the list. I’ll be sending out reminders everyday for 14 days on self-love and finding love. It’s especially for people who are looking for a relationship but it’s relevant to everyone.
There’s still time to join my Dorset retreat this Friday 15th Feb. I have two spaces left, both non-residential (we can recommend some other accommodation if you’re not local) and I’m offering a £40 discount to readers of this blog, taking the price to £355 (including 8 meals and all retreat content from Friday at 6 pm until Monday at 10 am). Click here to read more or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Join my free Facebook group, Being Real, Becoming Whole.
Thank you, as always.