From Forty With Love

Ask not what you can do to your body but what your body can do for you. That’s the theme of today’s blog but before we go there, I feel the need, despite a touch of embarrassment, to wander off on a tangent. I had a fracas with Twitter last night, and Twitter came out on top. In trying to shorten my Twitter username @JustAsIAm40Days to @JustAsIAm40, I managed to delete both those accounts. I’m now reinstated at @Just_AsIAm40. So why is this relevant to this blog? It’s actually highly relevant. Why was I messing around on Twitter at 10 o’clock at night in the first place? Well, precisely because I’m a perfectionist and nothing is ever good enough. Not content with having managed to overcome my technophobia to set up a blog, Twitter account and Facebook page on Wednesday in time for the first day of Lent, I felt the need to ‘perfect’ the whole package. But in striving for what I’d deemed to be ‘perfection’, I tied myself in knots and deprived myself of sleep. And now I’m going to have to live with the imperfection of that pesky underscore in my Twitter name! Yes, this really is how my mind works. Now perfectionism can get us a long way in our lives and careers and I’d say it’s taken me pretty far, but at what cost? So I’m doing my utmost to accept my underscore in the same way I’m trying to accept other things I’ve disliked about myself in the past. After all, I entitled this blog ‘Abstaining for 40 days from negative thinking about body, appearance and achievements‘ for a reason. That ‘nothing is ever good enough’ voice is very damaging.

It’s become clear, however, that this self-acceptance business is going to require a herculean effort. It’s not just about positive thinking, I need a total renewing of my mind, a rewiring of my brain. I know prayer and meditation help but stilling my mind is a bit like trying to stop the washing machine from shaking when it’s on the spin cycle. So I’d welcome any more suggestions on overcoming negative and obsessive thought patterns.

Of course, the critical voice in my head thinks one of those suggestions should be ‘Get a life!’ but my more accepting self feels that might be a little harsh. I did ask myself this morning – when I saw the news about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan – whether all this talk of healthy body thoughts and positive self image wasn’t a little trivial and somewhat indulgent. But the eating disorder statistics quoted in yesterday’s blog say otherwise. I’ve wondered before whether I needed some sort of personal tragedy to jolt me out of negative body obsession but then I lost my Dad to cancer 4 years ago and that didn’t stop the cycle. I’ve also seen enough misery, devastation and destruction in my journalism career – from the Asian tsunami to the Haitian earthquake – to develop a better sense of perspective. But that perspective never lasted. I guess the truth is we all have our personal battles, irrespective of what’s going on out there in the world, and they’re all valid. They’re part of us and tragedy won’t necessarily change that. What might, however, is a daily effort to challenge the negative thoughts, to practice gratitude and self acceptance and to turn away from behaviours that have done us harm in the past. So in my case, I’ve learned – once again and the hard way – that once I’ve made a decision I deserve to embrace it fully, that once I’ve set out on a path, I deserve to keep my eyes firmly focused on what’s ahead and not look left or right or back the way I came.

On that note, back to the topic. What has your body done for you today? Focusing on what my body can do rather than what it looks or doesn’t look like is part of my journey to greater self acceptance. Today, my body took me on a cycle around the park. Now, I truly love exercise. I love feeling fit and healthy. Self acceptance for me is definitely not about sitting around on the sofa (or at least not for very long). I’ve never been much of a coach potato. In fact, I’m probably more of a hot potato, constantly on the move. Today, though, I treat exercise as a way to renew my body and mind and to get in touch with nature, rather than a self-punishing calorie-counting regime. I love how my body heats up as I exercise, how my heart rate rises, my cheeks turn rosy and how I sweat or perspire (the latter perhaps more in keeping with my very feminine-looking blog). Our bodies really are miracles. But how many times do I stop to appreciate that my limbs are all in good working order rather than groaning about the aches and pains and the niggling injuries or my body’s shape or size? Today, I’m also appreciating my  sense of balance. I’m good on two wheels – scooter or bicycle – and I’m really grateful for that. I feel mobile and free. If this sounds like I’m blowing my own trumpet, it really isn’t meant to. It’s novel for me to note down some good things about my body. It’s just sad it’s taken me so long. I’ve been a healthy body weight for many years now but despite that have been ashamed to show my arms, legs or curves. Two days off my 40th birthday, it’s really time for that kind of thinking to stop.

So I can proudly announce that today I successfully challenged my negative body image issues and bought a figure-flattering, feminine dress for my 40th birthday party on Saturday night. Quite an achievement. My dear friend Anne will be proud of me.

One final thought for today: I learned something else from last night’s Twitter debacle to prove that no experience goes to waste. I learned what I’ll call from now on the three Bs: blogging, boundaries and balance. I deserve to set some time boundaries around my work, be that blogging or other work, and around when I log on to Twitter and Facebook. This endeavour could easily take up the space that’s being freed up in my mind by renouncing negative body thoughts and that would be counterproductive. While I’m passionate about writing this blog, balance and self-care have to come first.

So, enough talk of Bridget Jones. Negative thinking about our bodies has serious consequences. Thoughts lead to behaviours and, from my own experience and those of others I’ve met, the behaviours we’re talking about here are dieting, bingeing, starving, pinching, poking, purging, over-exercising, pill-taking, cosmetic surgery, stomach surgery and many many more. Is there anyone out there who hasn’t tried at least one of the above? Does that list make you angry? Does it make you sad? Do our beautiful bodies really deserve such abuse? Anger prompted me to start this blog. I went to bed angry on International Women’s Day and woke up angry on the first day of Lent. Angry about the minutes, hours, days and years I’ve wasted thinking the way I looked wasn’t good enough.

TV presenter Penny Smith says in the Mail today she wants Darcy Bussell’s body. She wants a “weeny bottom, skinny arms and long legs”. Yes, I can relate to those thoughts – but are they helpful? I was never meant to look like Darcy Bussell and neither was Penny Smith. While the causes of eating disorders are multiple and varied, I know from my own experience of disordered eating that the constant striving for an unattainable goal, for my idea of ‘perfection’ was a major contributor – especially because once I reached what I’d thought was my goal size, I still wasn’t thin enough.

There are 1.15 million eating disorder sufferers in the UK, 15 percent of them male, according to Beat, the UK Eating Disorders Association. Binge eating disorder and bulimia are more common than the better-known anorexia, although one fifth of anorexia sufferers will die prematurely from health consequences. A recent survey by Girl Guiding UK found that 47 percent of girls thought the pressure to look attractive was the most negative part of being female. It also found that half of young women aged 16-21 would consider cosmetic surgery and over 1 in 10 girls aged 11-16 would consider going under the knife. That doesn’t sound like a nice way to grow up.

Fortunately, there are plenty of people out there who are worried about these statistics and I’ll be featuring many of them here over the next 39 days. In the UK today, the issue of negative body image has entered the mainstream political debate. Lib-Dem MP Jo Swinson and Equality Minister Lynne Featherstone launched the Campaign for Body Confidence last year and it’s gaining traction. Now, as a former political correspondent, I’m supposed to put my cynical hat on when politicians get involved but this blog is about building people up, not about knocking them down. Both MPs spoke passionately last Friday at the Endangered Species Summit in London about the need to challenge negative body thoughts and promote diversity of shape and form in the media and fashion industries and in schools.

So now to an organisation that’s doing an amazing job to challenge negative body image: Body Gossip. Founded by Ruth Rogers, Body Gossip invites the public to write in with stories about their bodies and then a selection of them are performed live on stage or in short films by celebrities. Natalie Cassidy, Anne Diamond and Nikki Grahame are all onboard, amongst other celebs. To get a taste of how powerful this can be, please check out this video: This One is For You.

That video certainly brought a tear to my eye and it might have the same effect on anyone who’s struggled with similar issues. We really weren’t meant to live in such a prison.

So, instead of thinking about what are bodies look like or don’t look like, why not celebrate them for what they can do? More on that later, but in the meantime, here’s three simple tips I’ve come up with over the past 24 hours as I’ve tried to abstain from negative body thoughts:

• If you find yourself frowning at your face in the mirror, SMILE
• When you look in the mirror first thing in the morning, hair disshevelled, face pale, say “You’re beautiful” instead of groaning
• Find a life-affirming book to read or say positive affirmations while sitting on the loo instead of trying to work out if your thighs are thinner or fatter today (too much information?!)

It’s the end of Day One and this is already proving harder than I thought! I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had to say ‘sorry’ to myself for almost slipping back into what we’ll call that ‘stinking thinking’. After all, it’s not easy to admire the way my hair looks after wearing a helmet for 45 mins to ride my Vespa. But at least I’m now aware of how those thought patterns creep back in, which gives me a better chance of changing them.

It also occurred to me a little earlier that despite Mark Darcy telling Bridget Jones that he liked her ‘just as she was’, it wasn’t enough for her – she still went back to Daniel Cleaver! I guess you have to believe it yourself first.

More tomorrow on body politics, body gossip and celebrating the body for what it can do rather than for what it looks like.

Today is the first day of Lent – a 40-day period of sacrifice, abstinence and self-denial. Yesterday, as I contemplated what to give up for Lent, I decided to forego Starbucks soya milk decaf coffees for the next 40 days and give the money to a good cause. I also thought about giving up bread or sweet stuff. But as the world celebrated International Women’s Day, I decided there was something else I needed to give up – something much more unhealthy and far more costly than coffee or chocolate: negative thinking about my body and appearance.

So I am challenging myself – for this period of Lent – to give up those nasty thoughts about my shape, size, form, skin tone, complexion, hair etc etc etc – that go through my head numerous times a day. This isn’t going to be easy. As I realised this morning as I showered and got dressed, self criticism is deeply ingrained in my psyche. But the best I can do is to challenge those thoughts – so every time I’m tempted to pinch at my waist, look critically at my legs or tut or groan when I look in the mirror, I’m going to try not to. And every time I look at another woman and am tempted to think I want her figure, hair, face etc, I’m going to celebrate her beauty and also celebrate mine. I’m going to smile and say ‘Thank you God for creating me just as I am‘.

Now, I know this may sound a bit like a Bridget Jones moment and I admit I’ve stolen the line ‘just as I am’ from that romantic scene when Mark Darcy tells Bridget he likes her ‘just as she is’. I also admit I’m approaching a milestone birthday which may make me contemplate my life in a Bridget Jones fashion. But this is rather more serious.

Over the past few days, as I attended events to mark International Women’s Day, listened to speakers and read a lot, it dawned on me that all the struggles for women’s rights and equality over the years are worth precious little if I continue to put myself down. I have been my own worst enemy. And it seems I’m not alone – in a Glamour Magazine survey, women admitted to having 13 negative body thoughts daily. Imagine how much extra thinking time we’d have if we didn’t have those negative thoughts, or imagine how great we might feel if we replace every one with a positive thought!

I hope this blog will track my progress as I try to do that, but also that it will record the experiences, suggestions and tips of other women and men who’d like to join me on this journey. If you can relate to the above and you’d like to take up the challenge, I’d love to hear from you. You can write to me via this blog, check out the Just As I Am Facebook page , contact me on Twitter @Just_AsIAm40, or join the debate on Twitter using #JustAsIAm

I’d also like to highlight on this blog some of the amazing women and organisations I’ve come across who are trying to fight back against negative body image. For starters, check out this video by Emma Thompson for the Endangered Species Summit, which I went to in London last Friday.

So it’s midday on Day One. I can’t say I haven’t been on the cusp of having negative thoughts or comparing myself with others, but I’ve challenged those thoughts and behaviours every time. Maybe a good habit can replace a bad one after all.