Do you drive with one foot on the accelerator and one foot on the brake?

I imagine the answer is ‘No’ because if you did, you wouldn’t get anywhere.

Yet that’s how many of us run our lives, run our businesses or run our relationships.

Let me explain, using myself as a case study.

My business (which involves coaching, speaking and writing, for any readers who are new to this blog) requires me to take action.

It requires me to be visible; to be seen; to tell the world, or anyone who’ll listen, about my services, via my writing, via social media, via the press and so forth.

Yet when it comes to doing this, I’m operating with a handicap.

I’m in perpetual conflict with myself.

You see, part of me wants to be visible; wants to be seen.

But part of me is scared of being visible and terrified of being seen.

Why?

Because my younger self – or my subconscious – remembers a time when it didn’t feel safe to be visible, when my visibility wasn’t welcome, when it felt safer to stay quiet and hidden, to keep my head well below the parapet.

It’s like there’s a constant dialogue going on inside: ‘Go for it, Katherine! Move forwards,’ swiftly followed by: ‘Stop, Katherine. It’s not safe. Let’s hide.’

Pull-push, push-pull. See me. Don’t see me. See me. Don’t see me.

One foot on the accelerator. One foot on the brake. Not going very far.

Fortunately, I’ve been on my healing journey for two decades and I have lots of awareness and some wonderful support so I have managed to press the accelerator a little harder than the brake over the past years.

I have managed to write and publish my first book, How to Fall in Love. I have published articles in the national media and spoken on the radio. I have built a coaching practice that has supported and continues to support many clients to find a healthy, loving relationship and create a fulfilling career and life. I have hosted some 10 wellbeing retreats in the UK and abroad. I have written 70,000+ words of my novel and 20,000+ words of a book on overcoming emotional overeating.

So yes, I have moved forwards.

But I can see, all too clearly, how I’ve held myself back too, how I’ve pressed the brake and sabotaged myself.

I am acutely and painfully aware of the opportunities I’ve missed, the articles I haven’t written, the books I haven’t finished, the retreats I haven’t hosted, the social media posts I haven’t posted and ultimately, the money I haven’t earned and the abundance and freedom I haven’t enjoyed. I have seen how I have pulled and then pushed with my business; how I have struggled with consistency and follow-through.

One foot on the accelerator; one on the brake.

Now, to be clear, I don’t want the accelerator pressed into the floor either. I know what that full-on approach does to my brain and my body. For decades, I used excess food and alcohol to give me the courage to release the brake. Fuelled by binge eating and binge drinking, I raced around the world at top speed, took crazy risks, climbed the career ladder, worked too hard and gave too much, eventually burning out and breaking down in my 30s.

I don’t want to do that again.

Nor do I want my desire for visibility to be driven by my early life wounds – by a deep craving for love, acceptance and belonging that dates back to my childhood, to when my developmental needs went unmet.

It’s about balance.

In motoring terms, it’s about cruising.

Cruising along with effortless ease.

It’s about a healthy desire for visibility born out of a desire to be of service to my fellow humans, by finding ways to share with others the knowledge that has helped me to change dysfunctional relationship patterns, find a healthy partnership and break the chains of addiction and self-harm.

Service-driven, not ego-driven.

If I can think about being of service, I can get out of my own way, face my fears, get all the support I need, take my foot off the brake, gently press the accelerator and cruise forwards.

The accelerator-brake analogy works for dating and relationships too.

The push-pull dymanic was a key feature of my dysfunctional dating years and it’s one of the most common dynamics that presents in my coaching practice.

You know how it goes: I want you. I don’t want you.

I want love. I’m scared of love.

Come closer. Go away.

You’re gorgeous. Urgh, you’re repulsive.

It is this dynamic that I had to understand and overcome in order to commit to a healthy relationship and get married (we celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary last week – hurray!).

And if you are looking for love but keep driving into brick walls, you may have to do the same.

Ask yourself if you’re accelerating too fast and diving into unhealthy relationships because you’re craving love, affection, validation, acceptance, touch etc. And if the answer is ‘Yes’, take some time to heal your inner wounds and meet your own unmet needs (my coaching can support you with this).

Ask yourself if you’re braking too hard because you’re scared to love, scared to commit, scared of getting hurt, terrified of loving in case you lose the person or get rejected or abandoned. Again, I can help with this.

Commit to your own healing, get all the support you need and then find that happy medium, find the cruise control.

Love is service too, an act of service, to ourselves, to others and to the world.

By finding the courage to love, we give ourselves an incredible opportunity to heal.

And we offer others the opportunity to heal too.

Our hurt happens in relationship (often in those significant, early life relationships that form a template for the rest of our lives). And our healing happens in relationship too.

Love is a journey, an adventure. It requires courage but it’s absolutely worth it.

If you’re ready to face your fears and move forwards, I’d love to be of service to you. Read on for resources including my next relationship workshop.

Thank you for being here.

Katherine x

Additional Resources

My next relationship workshop is called Managing Triggers to Build Healthy Relationships. It’s on July 11th at 6:30 pm BST (1:30 pm EST) on Zoom and you can either join me live (highly recommended) or sign up for the recording (also valuable). As a blog subscriber, please accept a £10 discount (join live for £22 or receive the recording for £12. Simply insert the code Innercircle10 on the checkout page. Find out more here.

My first book, How to Fall Love, includes many tools to help you to connect to your feelings and overcome unhealthy patterns and behaviours, as well as the story of my personal journey of healing.

I have a series of transformational online courses to support you to build a healthy relationship with yourself and with others. Click here to explore my courses.

I work 1:1 with clients who are looking to create a healthy romantic relationship and/or build a fulfilling life. Explore my coaching offerings and book a free discovery call on my website.