We gravitate towards what we know – towards what we’ve always known. 

Towards what feels familiar and comfortable and therefore safe.

We do this even if the thing we gravitate towards is bad for us, detrimental to us, goes against our best interests. 

For example, if we didn’t get our needs met in childhood, having unmet needs will feel quite normal to us, familiar, comfortable and therefore safe.

So we won’t express our needs and wants and we’ll accept less than we deserve – we’ll make do with crumbs rather than the whole loaf.

This may mean we end up in a relationship with a person who doesn’t value us, and we stay in it, well beyond its expiry date, because it’s all we’ve ever known. 

Being mistreated feels quite normal. 

Or we end up in a career where we’re undervalued or taken advantage of, and we stay in it, well beyond its sell-by date, because it feels comfortable. 

We’re used to feeling invisible.

We’ve never known any different so we don’t expect anything different – we don’t expect anything better. 

If we were neglected, and we haven’t done any healing around that neglect, we’ll be drawn towards people who neglect us, and we’ll neglect ourselves.

If we were abandoned, and we haven’t done any healing around our abandonment wounds, we’ll be drawn towards people who abandon us, and we’ll abandon ourselves.

These childhood legacies can be so damaging. 

Our early life baggage can weigh us down.

But we can break free.

The key is to understand that we have a choice.

We deserve better and we can choose better.

We may have to summon all our courage.

We may have to dig really deep. 

We may have to get lots of support.

The chains can be heavy, tough to break.

But little by little, chain by chain, step by step, we can release ourselves from the past.

We can escape.

Did you know I’m writing a novel about this? About a woman who finally realises she can break the chains of generational dysfunction, transform inherited patterns of behaviour and courageously carve out her own path. 

The novel draws on many aspects of my own life.

Because this has been my journey and it continues to be my journey – to throw off the chains of the past. 

And it’s the work I do with so many of my coaching clients.

I guess if I were to sum up my life and my work I’d say I was in the freedom business. 

Breaking myself free and helping others to break free from harmful legacies, from painful relationship patterns, from erroneous beliefs, from imprisoning careers, from behaviours we’ve inherited and from survival tools we developed that no longer serve us.

It’s powerful stuff.

It’s also challenging. It’s not an easy path to take. It’s the road less travelled. 

It requires a delicate balance of grit, self-compassion and surrender. 

As well as a willingness to ask for and accept help.

But I’ve always liked a challenge and I know too much to go back – to return to the trap, to put the chains on again.

There’s no way I’m going back. Not after coming so far.

So I’m up for this journey to freedom.

How about you?

Support Is Available

If you’d like to continue your personal growth journey in some wonderful company, I’m hosting a Summer Love & Life Support online experience for women, running from Aug 1 to 31. The experience includes 3 live Zoom calls, also recorded, and an online community where you can support and be supported by courageous, like-minded women. We’ll be exploring self-love and self-compassion; authentic relationships and facing our fears in life and in love. Click here for more details. 

My first book, How to Fall Love, includes many tools to help you to connect to your feelings and overcome unhealthy patterns and behaviours, as well as the story of my personal journey of healing.

I have a series of transformational online courses to support you to build a healthy relationship with yourself and with others. Click here to explore my courses.

I work 1:1 with clients who are looking to create a healthy romantic relationship and/or build a fulfilling life. Explore my coaching offerings and book a free discovery call on my website.