The curse of the capable woman

I spent the August bank holiday weekend with a bunch of intelligent, capable, successful, sporty women in their late 30s and early 40s.

We were doing what independent, childless women of our age do on a bank holiday – pleasing ourselves.

These are the pros of not having offspring. You can get up and go at a moment’s notice to a music festival in Dorset, with a pocketful of pounds (because you’ve established yourself in your career but haven’t had to pay for your children’s violin lessons) and just a few muesli bars to eat (because you can buy food as you go along and don’t have to worry about hungry children).

You can take your mountain bike, on the train or in the back of a car (because you don’t have to think about fitting in the kids’ bikes). And you only have to spend the shortest amount of time in the smelly, long-drop camping loos (because you don’t have to wait to wipe the little ones’ bottoms or help them wriggle out of their pants in the dark).

You can stay out late dancing and singing to KT Tunstall or crazy skiffle bands like Quinns Quinney (because you’ve only got yourself to worry about) and you can sleep in late the next morning (because you don’t have to cook eggs for the early risers).

Before I go any further, I should say there were plenty of families with children camping at the Purbeck Folk Festival – including a delightful four-month-old baby brought by the equally delightful only married member of our small group – and I’d hope to continue camping if I ever had children myself. But just for a moment, it’s worth remembering the freedom childlessness brings.

Unsurprisingly though, given the demographic of our mostly female bunch, the talk often returned to some of this blog’s favourite topics – themes that will also form part of the book I am writing: the timing of careers and family, our desire for motherhood, our fears we’ve left it too late and the difficulties of dating against the biological clock. As we strolled along the Dorset coast, we shared the trials and tribulations of Internet dating, our wish to be in a partnership and what we were looking for in a mate.

As usual, our chit-chat (although of course it wasn’t all about men and babies!) gave me plenty of food for thought but I was particularly struck by one idea that came to mind as I mingled with this high-achieving group of females.

I’ve always prided myself on my own capabilities in various areas of life. I consider myself of reasonable intelligence and pretty capable when it comes to practical things like camping or sporting endeavours like swimming or biking. I drive a Vespa around town and can reverse a car into a small space. With certain groups of friends, I’m the leader when it comes to reading the map, finding our way through forests, putting up the tent or jumping off rocks into the sea. So it was interesting to be with women who, for the most part, were more capable than me in the camping arena and fitter than me when it came to the bike.

Most of the time, this barely registered. I was quite happy to take a back seat and let others lead the way. But a sudden attack of self-consciousness and insecurity around my own capabilities – brought on by losing a key for my bike lock, struggling to get my tent into its bag as it started to rain and worrying about the prospect of being left behind on a long, hilly cycle – taught me a valuable lesson in how I relate to others, particularly to men I have been close to or who have tried to get close to me.

It pains me to say that I have sometimes judged men (in my head and perhaps out loud) for not being as capable as I would like them to be – this can be in sports, academia (especially spelling ability!), linguistic skills (speaking languages, that is, not French kissing), car mechanics or DIY. I understand why I’ve done this and have understood it for a while, but I gained new insight into it at the weekend.

I am or have been so unforgiving of myself – expecting myself to be accomplished and perfect in so many areas – and it seems I have expected exactly the same, if not more, from any boyfriend. But the standards I set are impossible for any man to meet – hence my singleness no doubt.

These high expectations seem to be driven by a fear of intimacy – if we erect barriers between ourselves and others and judge men for what they cannot do, it’s unlikely we’ll ever get close to them. And if we create extra-high hurdles for men to jump over, they’ll fall every time and we’ll never have to face our fears and take the plunge into a deeper relationship.

After all, can I really expect to find a man who is all singing and dancing? And I mean that literally because as well as being accomplished at sports, physically and emotionally strong, good at DIY, intelligent, a master of foreign languages and brilliant at spelling, I also expect him to be able to lead me around the dance floor to salsa tunes, jive like a pro or swing me around doing ceroc. On top of all that, he’s required to be gentle, caring and considerate, faithful and reliable, not at all arrogant despite his array of accomplishments and a willing and wonderful father to the children I hope to have.

Yes, I’m living in fairytale land.

I wonder whether strong, capable, independent women are our own worst enemies. We’ve worked hard to become accomplished in so many areas, we keep our homes tidy and our finances in order but we also climb trees and jump off rocks into the sea. We create these amazing, full lives for ourselves because that’s what we were taught and it’s what we deserve but then we often struggle to find a man who we deem to be our match or we neglect to make space for romance. We’ve got it so good that few men will be considered good enough. And we’ve designed ourselves not to depend on anyone. But men – so the dating books say – quite like to be depended upon.

It seems – and I know I’ve done this – we can be looking for carbon copies of ourselves, without realising that one of us is plenty and two – in a relationship – would only lead to fireworks (and not of the good kind). There must be some truth in the phrase ‘opposites attract’ but it doesn’t have to be about polar opposites. Perhaps we can just make space for someone who’s a little different to us and appreciate that their strengths may complement our weaknesses and vice versa.

After all, we all have weaknesses, some of us are just better than others at disguising them with our incredible strengths.

The refreshing sea off the Jurassic Coast

So the weekend, aside from being refreshing and fun, has also been enlightening. I understood, more clearly than ever before, how I may have given off the vibe to men in my life that they’re not enough (and I apologise if you’re one of them and are reading this) and I learned, once again, that accepting myself as I am is the first step to accepting others and opening a door to ‘love that heals my heart and makes my spirit sing’ (to quote a beautiful affirmation I heard a while back and have adopted as my own).

 

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This entry was posted in codependency, Fertility, Leisure, Perfectionism, Relationships, Self-Acceptance, Trust, Uncategorized, Women and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The curse of the capable woman

  1. Faith Bradbury says:

    Kath – I agree, you have the edge when it came to reading the map and orienteering us back on to the right path when lost in a mountain-top mist on D of E (indeed, Dom can’t believe I ever did
    D of E, he thinks my map reading is sooo bad). But when it comes to partners, one thing I did seem to have sorted was finding mine for life. A disastrous, destructive relationship showed me that often opposites make for a better fit. Like a zip, their strengths will slip into and support the areas in which I am desperately lacking (patience for one!), while mine weave their way around his weaknesses. This wasn’t, of course, pre-planned or calculated. We met, fell hopelessly in love and very sensibly decided we couldn’t spend the rest of lives without our soulmate. What I’m trying to say is (not that I’m a hopeless romantic or anything), that I didn’t sit down and draw up a list of the pros and cons of marrying my husband. It was just a relationship that fit, snugly – like hand in glove – and felt so right deep down – like coming home – that we just instinctively knew when we had found a life partner. That’s not to say I believe there is only one person for everyone out there. There could be more life partners who could have complemented me in different ways and taken me in a different direction. The key is finding a snug but not suffocating fit with room to grow – together. Luckily, with give and take, we have grown thus far in a certain direction, but who knows which direction we will grow next. We have further chapters of our lives together to explore yet. And hopefully some will involve me exploring a little more of myself. Yes, of course, they are restricted by responsibilites and economics (particularly in recent times as children become ever more expensive as they get older), but ultimately we will move through life and the world together, and that, for me, is more important and more fulfilling than conquering the world – or indeed universe. I want to see more of the world and experience as many cultures as I can, but not at the expense of my soul.
    I guess what I am saying is, chuck out the pros and cons list, disengage the thinking brain and unlock the instinctive heart.
    Okay, enough Rousseau for today… hey, maybe I should start blogging!

    • Hey Faith,
      What a lovely, insightful and heart-warming comment. I love this bit: “It was just a relationship that fit, snugly – like hand in glove – and felt so right deep down – like coming home – that we just instinctively knew when we had found a life partner.” And I wish that for myself too. And I think you’re advice is spot on: “chuck out the pros and cons list, disengage the thinking brain and unlock the instinctive heart”. Maybe you should write a blog or book on finding your soulmate!
      I know the answer is in the heart and not the head and hopefully I’ll get there. I seem to have had to clear out so much baggage beforehand, which I’ve written about on this blog, but I think I’m travelling a lot lighter now and won’t be as prone to throw obstacles in the path of romance. We will see.
      Happy memories of D of E. Shame my map-reading skills don’t equate to journeying through life! Or maybe they do. Perhaps I’m just taking the long way around, the scenic or not-so-scenic route.
      Be lovely to catch up properly at some stage.
      Katherine x

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